Shortening

There's a secret ingredient to my current editing pass that I didn't mention in my post last week. Right now, my manuscript is problematically too long, and my goal is to get it down to acceptably too long. I wasn't sure if I'd actually be able to accomplish that this time through, but so far it's going very well.

I'm not removing anything you'd notice -- not taking out any scenes or altering the plot. Occasionally I'll find a chunk of dialogue or a whole paragraph that can go because the information is repeated elsewhere or is no longer relevant. But mostly I'm tightening sentences and conversations to say the same thing with fewer words.

I wanted to offer a set of tips on how to do this, but I'm finding it hard to formulate guidelines that are generally applicable. If this advice would be useful to any of you, speak up, and I'll work on coming up with something.

Rather than a tutorial, I thought I'd provide a before-and-after example. I've picked out a short excerpt that I trimmed by twenty percent. Perhaps it will suggest some strategies.

This isn't an especially interesting piece of text on its own, but it serves its role in the story. It's a conversation between a husband and wife in which they are both thinking about things they aren't sharing. As further context: they've recently moved to California, and it's 1963.

The original passage, 305 words:

I sat down opposite her. "Are you going to start the Christmas shopping tomorrow?" I wanted Bonnie to remember how much she normally loved the holidays. I wanted to stay upbeat. Usually when an affair was over, I felt better.

"I hadn't really thought about it."

"Well, you should take advantage of your day off, shouldn't you?"

She sighed and settled her head back into the corner of the chair. "I suppose I should."

"Don't you want to? You love buying presents. You love all the decorations."

"It doesn't feel very much like Christmas here. Maybe I'll wait until we get to Pittsburgh."

"That's not leaving yourself a lot of time. I'm sure they have Christmas displays here. Probably with lots of fake snow. It'll get you in the right frame of mind. I think it would be a good idea for you to start tomorrow."

She scowled. "You don't need to nag me about it. I promise all the presents will be ready by Christmas Day."

"I'm not--" We couldn't argue. She was my wife, and I loved her, and she was all I needed to be happy. "What would you like for Christmas?"

Bonnie squeezed her eyes shut and pursed her lips.

"It's not that I'm relying on you to tell me what to buy you. I already have several ideas." I didn't, but there was time. "Are you crying?"

"No." She wiped her eyes. "I'm fine. I'm tired." She'd been tired all week, and acting as though our modest Thanksgiving dinner had depleted all her energy.

I went to her side. "I don't want you to get angry about my saying this, but after our trip, we need to reevaluate whether it's really a good idea for you to work four days a week. It might be too much for you."

The edited version, 243 words:

I sat down opposite her. "Are you going to start the Christmas shopping tomorrow, since it's your day off?" I wanted Bonnie to remember how much she normally loved the holidays. I wanted to stay upbeat. I usually felt better when an affair was over.

She sighed and settled her head back into the corner of the chair. "I suppose I should."

"Don't you want to? You love buying presents. All the decorations."

"It doesn't feel very much like Christmas here. Maybe I'll wait until we get to Pittsburgh."

"That's not leaving yourself a lot of time. I'm sure they have Christmas displays here. With fake snow. It'll get you in the right frame of mind. You should start tomorrow."

She scowled. "I'll get it done. You don't need to nag me."

"I'm not--" We couldn't argue. She was my wife, and I loved her, and she was all I needed to be happy. "Do you know what you want for Christmas?"

Bonnie squeezed her eyes shut and pursed her lips.

"It's not that I don't have ideas." I didn't, but there was time. "Are you crying?"

"No." She wiped her eyes. "I'm fine. I'm tired." She'd been tired all week.

I went to her side. "I don't want you to get angry, but after our trip, we need to reevaluate whether it's really a good idea for you to work four days a week. It might be too much for you."

You can see that I've removed a few sentences that didn't add anything important. I also made many sentences shorter by taking out unnecessary phrases and words. Additionally, I rephrased some sentences so they sound better to me, though that doesn't always involve shortening. It's still the same conversation, but it's a little snappier. This exchange needs to happen in the story, but it's not a super exciting, so there's no reason to devote a lot of space to it.

So that's how one page of editing went. And that's how I'm shortening my manuscript.

Good Stuff Out There:

→ Kathy Crowley at Beyond the Margins discusses how to handle flashbacks: "Just as parents are advised to frame their children's 'quirks' in a positive way, I like to think of my struggles with flashbacks, and flashbacks within flashbacks, and flashbacks within flashbacks with a slight nod to the future, as some almost spiritual aspect of my inclination to write. My time-space continuum is dense and intense and... special."